Having two pre-schoolers means half of the time, my parenting journey is won by ensuring my own emotions are in check. It has been said that “parenting is hard” etc etc. But really I feel parenting is hard when you are still trying to parent the young girl or boy within you who did not have a safe landing spot when they expressed big emotions growing up. It is for this reason I am not a fan of phrases such as, “stop crying,” stop whining,” “use your words,” etc etc. All these are setting up our kids up for emotional failure because they are just not set up yet to self regulate. Heck even as an adult if someone told me stop crying I would be irked.
I like to use the lighthouse analogy to explain kids and their big emotions. When I think of that little one at the grocery store rolling and slithering on the floor screaming at the top of their lungs demanding candy, I think of a ship in stormy waters. When a child is in this state, they are in the midst of raging waters all around them – it is dark, the ship is bobbing up and down, the waters are so choppy, heck the captain jumped ship a while back leaving them all alone. Then they look up and see us – their lighthouse. We are their lighthouse. They get louder – HELP!! the boat keeps swaying, water is now filling in to the ship cabins.
As a lighthouse – we have three options :
1.) Yell back at the ship that they need to get themselves back on to shore saying the captain is experienced enough to steer the ship. This in essence is the loud parent yelling at the kid to cut it out with the tantrums and stop causing a scene.
Option 2 :
1.)Do nothing and switch off our lighthouse – Qi Cera Cera . Whatever will be will be. This is the emotionally unavailable parent who leaves the kid to their own devices to figure it out and find their way back to safety.
Option 3 – Be the lighthouse
Send your ship co-ordinates over the radio to a safe place where the waters are more calm. This involves being the calm parent who sets aside their own emotions – even though usually in the aisles of Target parents we get so concerned about “what other people are thinking.” Yet if we stopped and faced our little people in the midst of their storms and guided them to safety what a big service we will be doing them in helping them regulate their emotions later in life once we give them a safe place to land.
p.s: I snagged this lighthouse picture from our home guest bathroom.