Play is one of those things with kids I feel is like a muscle. While not in the “use it or loose it” actual sense, because inherently kids just come wired to play. There are things we can do to really flex that play muscle in such a way that they “default to their play settings” without our constant direction. Here are a couple of things that I have observed / done while the kids have played independently over this past holiday break:
1.) Talk and do less while kids are involved in independent play. I sometimes say avoid the -wh questions – who is this character? what are you drawing? what is this? what would happen if you put this block here? etc etc. All this does is interrupt their train of thought, they are now being made to re-think what they were doing to fit your narrative and usually with play, (much to our dismay) usually never has any “outcome” as we are always used to seeing with any “productive activity.” Play is just play for the heck of it. If you see your child self-dialoguing with their figurines – keep whistling and walk on. They are perfectly fine.
2.) In the case of siblings – take on the role as a coach as opposed to a judge or jury. There will be squabbles. There will be disagreements. Just like in an office setting if you are busy working on your laptop and someone came and turned off the screen monitor – voices can escalate quick. Conflict resolution is such a powerful skill that is learnt through play that it should not be short circuited for our own comfort.. As a coach your role is to guide as needed where there are skills lacking or if there is a safety factor involved – like clearly “there is going to be blood” or an egghead. Otherwise – coach coach coach. There are times I would hear a child yell out but after a few minutes they were back to assigning roles for a new game. Let them learn to solve conflict.
3.) Embrace silence. Especially with toddlers and preschoolers – we automatically assume the worse when we hear silence. The Vaseline has been smeared all over the mirror, the sugar canister is open and so on and so forth. Rightfully so it helps to check in especially when they are young. However as you continue to flex their play muscle, let them be comfortable knowing that silence is not a bad thing. Hearing yourself think is a super power in this noisy world. I sometimes pretend to be walking by to “change the laundry” or “get something from the closet” when I am worried it is silent. But usually I am eye balling to make sure the toilet paper is still intact 😉
4.)Look for moments of connection. There is a beautiful quote I saw once, “Every day, in a 100 small ways, our children ask, ‘Do you hear me? Do you see me? Do I matter?’ Their behavior often reflects our response.” – L. Knost. Look for moments of connection even while they are playing independently. Kids can play for a while independently – though they remain very aware of where we are – like a North star type deal. They will occasionally invite us into their creations – whether it is a show they have worked hard to put together or a magic trick they want us to see. Which should not be confused with the constant, “look at me” or consistent – “play with me.” Moments of connection involve – entering into your kids world without becoming enmeshed in it as a playmate. It is perfectly okay to play games that you enjoy with your child – from shooting hoops, having a tea party playing UNO etc but also having the liberty to set the boundary when you are just not going to play. To be clear is to be kind. Kids have this Spidey sense and know when we are miserable playing – naturally we adults make poor playmates. So instead, steer clear of being the disgruntled play mate. Moments of connection can also come during meals offered in between play, snacks etc etc.
5.) Do your thing. Let children do their work (play) so that we can do ours. Let kids get used to seeing us working, cooking, cleaning – anything while they are playing. This shows them that we value their play just as we value the work we are doing as adults. If you need to take a shower, take a shower. if you need to get dinner ready, get dinner ready. This I feel eases the burden on parents to believe we have to keep them occupied while we do adult normal household things.
Hope this helpful. Happy play ,muscle flexing! You can do it. oxoxoxo
Penny