We are just at the tail end of a long weekend. It has been so relaxing, we have had food friends and good conversation. Today, being the last day home with the kids – we did our usual breakfast morning routine, some learning sheet work (30min – 1hour tops?), free play, outdoor play and more free play. However as the day wound down and I was cleaning the carnage left in the wake of the “homemade volcano kit” we bought at Walmart, I started feeling exhausted bordering on resentment towards the clean up process. It was at the moment that I knew I was dealing with signs of an enmeshed parent in a child’s play.
It is perfectly fine to play with your child. The secret sauce is playing when you want and what you want. It is okay to set that boundary. My go to line is, “mummy is not the best at playing that game.” I know you are perfectly capable of playing it on your own or with your brother / sister. But a game like UNO or completing a puzzle – sign me up sign me up.
I begun reflecting on our day’s activities and went like wait a minute why did I feel like I was steering and directing the day activities and dealing with constant, “Look at this.” “You be the bad guy I be the good guy,” type of play. I was enmeshed as a playmate today with my young children. So what are some signs of enmeshment in child’s play as a parent?
1.) You are not particularly enjoying the activity at hand. You find yourself plastering a smile, talking through gritted teeth, holding “the gun” awkwardly because lets face it – adults are typically not built for these play streets like young kids.
2.) You find yourself relaying most of the direction and orders for the rules of engagement in the play. If you are hearing the question, “Now what do I do,” often, it is time to step back mama and papa. It will exhaust you.
3.) You receive more “look at me” or “look at what I can do,” requests from the kids during the course of the day than normal. Its the enmeshment.
4.) The play is short-lived. For some reason the said activities do not seem to last as long as when your kid or kids are playing independently. You find yourselves bobbing from one thing to the next because it is adult-driven as compared to child-led activities that if allowed take longer to process and execute. But really beside all that is the fact that if it is an activity you did not want to participate in chances are you are always trying to find an exit strategy.
5.) During the after play clean up even if you are doing it with the kids you feel a certain type of way. I felt it this afternoon as I cleaned the volcanic lava. I was like, “Who exactly was this activity serving?” After like two hours of preparing the plaster of Paris, painting the volcano etc etc, the eruption lasted five seconds and we I had a huge mess to clean up after. The box clearly stated – suitable to kids age 12 and above. My kids are 6 and 4 ;). Enmeshment.