This was the line our 5 year old daughter told me today while we were at the local splash pad this afternoon for swimming. She bent her head down and muttered under her breath, “mummy I saw a bad picture.” I immediately composed myself and calmly asked her, “Oh honey which phone did you see this?” She slowly raised her finger and pointed at an older boy who was changing from his swim shorts to his regular shorts and she caught sight of his penis.
The first thing I told her was, “Thank you so much honey for coming to tell me.” I then explained he was changing from his swim shorts and that he was not intentionally trying to show his penis (yes we call body parts by their names at our casa – this is your nose this is your penis and this is your vagina type thing.) Her shoulders immediately perked up and she said oh okay and run off to play.
I later begun thinking and hoping that when our kids see tricky material online that they will continue to be bold enough to come and share with us as their folks or a trusted adult. I was so grateful in that moment that my daughter had remembered the steps from a book we read once – I highly recommend if you have littles on what to do if you see content online that is tricky and will play with your head – usually content with sexual innuendos, porn etc. The book is called – Good Pictures Bad Pictures Jnr. The three steps the book describes when a little one sees bad pictures is that they should TURN, RUN and TELL. Some ideas I could share with your on navigating tricky pictures / videos with littles in the online space :
1.) Name it to tame it – Normalize calling body parts for what they are. We give colors names, we call a nose a nose why do we call a penis a wee wee? This will minimize any shame or need to cover up as it is really “not a big deal.” The moment we make body parts this sacred cow is when we fuel kids curiosity. Being clear with naming the body parts and that provide a great building block for deeper conversations.
2.)Have regular check-ins. I find this useful especially with our little boy. Boys have a way of brushing over things with a long stroke brush. If they were at a friends house for play and they were online, It does not hurt to check in with an honest question – how was it today at Johnnies?
3.) Be direct and yet age appropriate. My son turned 7 this past summer. Did you know 7 is the average age that kids are being exposed to pornography? Our son will be taking the bus, he will be interacting with older kids at the playground over recess etc etc. I want to be his go to person. His first person. I read somewhere about the idea of the “first person effect.” In essence where your child gets their information the first time becomes their primary source of information; they keep going back to that person to answer their questions. If your child is showing readiness, asking questions etc, don’t sugar coat things, or avoid the topic nor change it or try distract them. Kids have a knack of knowing when we are taking them round in circles and they will be sure enough to go have someone else answer their questions. If it is uncomfortable for you, seek out a trusted friend who your child will feel comfortable asking difficult questions.
4.) Be a safe landing zone when your child comes to you with the information. There is a line I sometimes use when my son is getting sketchy with information. Works sometimes and some other times it does not. It is something to the extent of, “I can handle anything you tell me.” Even though you may not – just the reassurance that there is “nothing new under the sun” that they will throw at you and you that you will not have the bandwidth to catch.
Some book resources I can recommend for you :
Good Pictures Bad Pictures Jnr – Age 4 – 8
Good Pictures Bad Pictures – Age 8+
Where did I come from – Peter Myle (Picture Book age 6+)
I will write another post on what to do if find your child watching porn or is a victim online sexual harrasment. In the meantime you can take a listen to episode number 4 on our podcast as a mum shares her story of her then 9 year old daughter who was harrased sexually online by a predator.
Happy to have you here xoxox Penny